Reprinted with Permission...
The veteran saw this little questionnaire on the site of his bro Poldark Maximus, who is probably one of the greatest somewhat-conservative thinkers of our time. I felt the need to answer a few of these questions...
"So we use Warner and Romney as our examples of candidates who can play +/- 5 feet to the right or left of the yellow line. Examples only, as there will surely be others who emerge. BUT EVEN AMONG THEM, they will need to answer certain “questions” which will then help us choose from among those who would pretend to unite us. Nothing will bore the nation quicker than candidates strenuously agreeing with each other on everything. So how will Romney and Warner respond to these very simple “Questions”?"
1. Is there anything better in life than a BLT? What is it?
-Hardee's Thickburgers. Or, perhaps, the Collosal Burger from Ruby Tuesdays.
2. You see an injured deer on the side of the road in its obvious death-throes. What do you do? A) Drive on down the road B) Call the State Police C) Draw your sidearm and shoot it in the heart D) Call your campaign manager and ask them what action would carry Ohio?
-B
3. Do you pray at your desk, in bed, or in the shower? To whom?
-Wherever I can, and to my own personal understanding of God.
4. Smooth or Ribbed?
-Screw that. Studded. If at all (monogamous relationship)
5. Boxers or briefs? (Women may choose between cotton or silk)
-Boxer-Briefs, also known as Trunks
6. Is the NSA doing God’s work or the devil’s work?
-Andy Kaufman's work. You decide.
7. You meet Jacques Chirac at a bar sipping his drink. You A) Buy him a Bud B) Buy him a Stella Artois C) Buy him a whiskey and tell him to go fuck himself.
-Buy him 151 and coke drinks until I can derive the secret of the nationalized 35-hour work week. Then I slap him on the back of the head before stalking off.
8. You meet Angela Merkel at a bar sipping her drink. You A) Sit next to her and buy her a whatever B) Ask her if she knows the real story behind Ronnie Regan and Maggie Thatcher C) Let her buy you a drink and thank America for liberating the world from Fascists and terrorists at the cost of thousands of American lives.
-B
9. The battery on your pacemaker has run out and you feel your heart stop. You A) Tear through your wallet for a picture of your wife and kids B) Try to remember who you asked to run as VP C) Ask the driver to stop at the next Wal-Mart.
-A
10. One pass, one completion, 30 yards for 100 years of World Peace. Who do you choose? A) Brady B) Manning (Peyton for God’s sake) C) Rothlisberger D) Hasselbeck
-I play football. Watching it on TV just bores me. Sorry.
11. True or False. Smaller states should be merged into larger ones to reduce the total to around 20, saving the American Taxpayer $750 billion a year in stupid and redundant state overhead and taxes.
-In an ideal nation, yes. Sadly, it ain't gonna happen.
12. You find yourself in the middle of a corn field with the sun high overhead and slightly to the North. You whistle and your dog answers, running to where you crouch on one knee as you sift good earth between your fingers. There is no sound other than the wind rustling though the corn husks. Your own sweat cools you as God intended it. You A) Are late for a meeting B) Take out your cell phone and check the stock-ticker C) Remove the batteries from your pacemaker, lie down in the corn, close your eyes and let go.
-A (I'm always fashionably late)
13. The penalty for CEO’s who defraud their shareholders of billions of net-worth and pensions should be A) 10-20 years B) 10-20 amps C) 10-20 minutes of degrading questions from Ted Kennedy or Harry Reid.
-B (I'll take C if it's televised, though, or perhaps a combination of the two)
14. You are in the middle of a dream which has you face down in the muff of your favorite starlet. You A) Thank God for the universally accepted concept (in all religions) of a “freebie” B) Wake up and rip the cat off your face C) Get distracted by some random thought of Nancy Pelosi and ruin this dream for everyone.
-A
15. Ribs or Brisket?
-Brisket AND Ribs.
16. Wet or dry Ribs?
-Hot Sauce.
17. “Compassionate Conservative” or “Hands-off-the Wheel” liberal?
-Pragmatic Moderate.
18. “Scoop” Jackson (D) or Nelson Rockefeller (R) ?
-Rockefeller on Mondays and Jackson on Thursdays.
19. Hubert Humphrey (D) or Barry Goldwater(R) ?
-Goldwater. All the time.
20. Bill Clinton (D) or Hillary Clinton (D) ?
-Slick Willy.
21. Ronald Regan (R) or George W. Bush (R) ?
-Ron Reagan (the son)
22. Angelina Jolie or Kate Beckinsale?
-Which one is on my face?
23. Barbara Streisand or Kathleen Turner?
-Kathleen.
24. Doris Day or Rock Hudson?
-Neither.
25. You are incredibly concerned about the cultural and social fabric of the United States. The Census Bureau predicts the 300 millionth American will come into being in 2006, most likely in the Southwest and most likely illegally. Pentagon planners tell you the country will need 28-30 combat ready divisions for the next 30 years. Northern white boys have slipped into a world of moral equivalency spewed forth by Bill Maher, Al Franken and Howard Dean. You A) GET IT – in one of the greatest Ahha ! moments of your lifetime B) Don’t get it and continue to draft mindless immigration legislation C) Check the batteries in your pacemaker to see if they were made in Guadalajara?
-A
26. True of False. “I know the second verse of ‘America the Beautiful’”
-Oh, beautiful for pilgrim's feet...
27. “ I own … A) a John Deere tractor B) a John Deere hat C) John Deere stock D) all of them and a Kubota front-loader to boot”
-A lawnmower.
28. Jesus, God, Allah and Mohammed are A) Gods and prophets B) Interesting and presumably nice residents of the Middle East dead for roughly 2000 and 1400 years respectively C) The largest cause of death and unrest in the world (perpetrated in the name of peace and eternal salvation) D) Close friends who exchange Christmas Cards in the after-life.
-A and C
29. “I have in my mind today and am willing to discuss … A) the names of my key cabinet appointees B) the names of my Federal judge and SCOTUS appointees C) The names of all White House intern appointees D) The names of those I will pardon in the 8th year of my presidency”
-A and B. C is omitted due to privacy considerations.
30. The worst American President/Governor of the last 5 years was A) Jimmy Carter B) Bill Clinton C) George W. Bush D) Jimmy Carter
-The whole freakin' lot.
31. The Best Invention of the last 20 years was A) Lethal Injections B) memory foam house slippers C) Punch Card voting D) the AFLAC Duck.
-AFLAC!!!
32. The Worst Invention of the last 20 years was A) Title IX B) lights at Wrigley C) “Self Affirmation” as an American religion D) Atlanta Airport E) Al Gore
-The Stairmaster.
33. “ When I can’t sleep at night I … A) Drink warm milk B) Jerk-off for the good of the Republic C) Blog D) first c, then b. “
-D
Hopefully that was as informative for the rest of you as it was for me. Thanks, PM!
"So we use Warner and Romney as our examples of candidates who can play +/- 5 feet to the right or left of the yellow line. Examples only, as there will surely be others who emerge. BUT EVEN AMONG THEM, they will need to answer certain “questions” which will then help us choose from among those who would pretend to unite us. Nothing will bore the nation quicker than candidates strenuously agreeing with each other on everything. So how will Romney and Warner respond to these very simple “Questions”?"
1. Is there anything better in life than a BLT? What is it?
-Hardee's Thickburgers. Or, perhaps, the Collosal Burger from Ruby Tuesdays.
2. You see an injured deer on the side of the road in its obvious death-throes. What do you do? A) Drive on down the road B) Call the State Police C) Draw your sidearm and shoot it in the heart D) Call your campaign manager and ask them what action would carry Ohio?
-B
3. Do you pray at your desk, in bed, or in the shower? To whom?
-Wherever I can, and to my own personal understanding of God.
4. Smooth or Ribbed?
-Screw that. Studded. If at all (monogamous relationship)
5. Boxers or briefs? (Women may choose between cotton or silk)
-Boxer-Briefs, also known as Trunks
6. Is the NSA doing God’s work or the devil’s work?
-Andy Kaufman's work. You decide.
7. You meet Jacques Chirac at a bar sipping his drink. You A) Buy him a Bud B) Buy him a Stella Artois C) Buy him a whiskey and tell him to go fuck himself.
-Buy him 151 and coke drinks until I can derive the secret of the nationalized 35-hour work week. Then I slap him on the back of the head before stalking off.
8. You meet Angela Merkel at a bar sipping her drink. You A) Sit next to her and buy her a whatever B) Ask her if she knows the real story behind Ronnie Regan and Maggie Thatcher C) Let her buy you a drink and thank America for liberating the world from Fascists and terrorists at the cost of thousands of American lives.
-B
9. The battery on your pacemaker has run out and you feel your heart stop. You A) Tear through your wallet for a picture of your wife and kids B) Try to remember who you asked to run as VP C) Ask the driver to stop at the next Wal-Mart.
-A
10. One pass, one completion, 30 yards for 100 years of World Peace. Who do you choose? A) Brady B) Manning (Peyton for God’s sake) C) Rothlisberger D) Hasselbeck
-I play football. Watching it on TV just bores me. Sorry.
11. True or False. Smaller states should be merged into larger ones to reduce the total to around 20, saving the American Taxpayer $750 billion a year in stupid and redundant state overhead and taxes.
-In an ideal nation, yes. Sadly, it ain't gonna happen.
12. You find yourself in the middle of a corn field with the sun high overhead and slightly to the North. You whistle and your dog answers, running to where you crouch on one knee as you sift good earth between your fingers. There is no sound other than the wind rustling though the corn husks. Your own sweat cools you as God intended it. You A) Are late for a meeting B) Take out your cell phone and check the stock-ticker C) Remove the batteries from your pacemaker, lie down in the corn, close your eyes and let go.
-A (I'm always fashionably late)
13. The penalty for CEO’s who defraud their shareholders of billions of net-worth and pensions should be A) 10-20 years B) 10-20 amps C) 10-20 minutes of degrading questions from Ted Kennedy or Harry Reid.
-B (I'll take C if it's televised, though, or perhaps a combination of the two)
14. You are in the middle of a dream which has you face down in the muff of your favorite starlet. You A) Thank God for the universally accepted concept (in all religions) of a “freebie” B) Wake up and rip the cat off your face C) Get distracted by some random thought of Nancy Pelosi and ruin this dream for everyone.
-A
15. Ribs or Brisket?
-Brisket AND Ribs.
16. Wet or dry Ribs?
-Hot Sauce.
17. “Compassionate Conservative” or “Hands-off-the Wheel” liberal?
-Pragmatic Moderate.
18. “Scoop” Jackson (D) or Nelson Rockefeller (R) ?
-Rockefeller on Mondays and Jackson on Thursdays.
19. Hubert Humphrey (D) or Barry Goldwater(R) ?
-Goldwater. All the time.
20. Bill Clinton (D) or Hillary Clinton (D) ?
-Slick Willy.
21. Ronald Regan (R) or George W. Bush (R) ?
-Ron Reagan (the son)
22. Angelina Jolie or Kate Beckinsale?
-Which one is on my face?
23. Barbara Streisand or Kathleen Turner?
-Kathleen.
24. Doris Day or Rock Hudson?
-Neither.
25. You are incredibly concerned about the cultural and social fabric of the United States. The Census Bureau predicts the 300 millionth American will come into being in 2006, most likely in the Southwest and most likely illegally. Pentagon planners tell you the country will need 28-30 combat ready divisions for the next 30 years. Northern white boys have slipped into a world of moral equivalency spewed forth by Bill Maher, Al Franken and Howard Dean. You A) GET IT – in one of the greatest Ahha ! moments of your lifetime B) Don’t get it and continue to draft mindless immigration legislation C) Check the batteries in your pacemaker to see if they were made in Guadalajara?
-A
26. True of False. “I know the second verse of ‘America the Beautiful’”
-Oh, beautiful for pilgrim's feet...
27. “ I own … A) a John Deere tractor B) a John Deere hat C) John Deere stock D) all of them and a Kubota front-loader to boot”
-A lawnmower.
28. Jesus, God, Allah and Mohammed are A) Gods and prophets B) Interesting and presumably nice residents of the Middle East dead for roughly 2000 and 1400 years respectively C) The largest cause of death and unrest in the world (perpetrated in the name of peace and eternal salvation) D) Close friends who exchange Christmas Cards in the after-life.
-A and C
29. “I have in my mind today and am willing to discuss … A) the names of my key cabinet appointees B) the names of my Federal judge and SCOTUS appointees C) The names of all White House intern appointees D) The names of those I will pardon in the 8th year of my presidency”
-A and B. C is omitted due to privacy considerations.
30. The worst American President/Governor of the last 5 years was A) Jimmy Carter B) Bill Clinton C) George W. Bush D) Jimmy Carter
-The whole freakin' lot.
31. The Best Invention of the last 20 years was A) Lethal Injections B) memory foam house slippers C) Punch Card voting D) the AFLAC Duck.
-AFLAC!!!
32. The Worst Invention of the last 20 years was A) Title IX B) lights at Wrigley C) “Self Affirmation” as an American religion D) Atlanta Airport E) Al Gore
-The Stairmaster.
33. “ When I can’t sleep at night I … A) Drink warm milk B) Jerk-off for the good of the Republic C) Blog D) first c, then b. “
-D
Hopefully that was as informative for the rest of you as it was for me. Thanks, PM!
posted by Mad Mod at
2/02/2006 12:23:00 PM
1 Comments:
"Don't sue me".. you coward ! :)
. Is there anything better in life than a BLT?
Me thinks someone's been watching The Colbert Report as that is his fav and he talks about it all the time with the actual statement above...
good , but i prefer pizza hut, thin crust, bacon, diced tomatoes, pineapple.. could eat it 24/7 (along with kitkat bars)
2, B also
3, athiest so nowhere, maybe in the shower to 'the gods that be' over my thighs and ass :(
4, studded ? ouch !
5, boxers always sexier imho
6, neither, bringing god into it is riduclous spin, as usual for the right
7, never heard of him and never go into bars so doesn't apply
8, repeat 7 and stir... (regan or reagan?)
9, sorry, dumb question, if your heart stops, you'd do none of the above, but in this hypothetical scenariio, crawl in the microwave and give it a jump start
10, 5' 2" female doesn't play football only watches it (use to vigorously for my hometeam bengals) but as of late not so much, can't answer #10, busy watching superbowl
11, interesting if those are true factual numbers.. would have to think and weigh all the options and negative points
12, c, if any
13, A
14, ewww .. next question
15, brisket
16, neither
17, hands off baby... as for "compasionate conservative" LMFAO, that's an oxymoron if i've ever heard one..
18, i know neither's politics
19, hmm i am or was basically an independent so..
20, ahh i wuv Bill :) he can be my preznit forever and ever...
21, i completely 100% agree with you on that one :)
22, angelina has spunk, i like that..
23, for what ? i like them both , don't know turner's personal views on issues thou
24, both.. how can u have one without the other?
25, this question just reaks of the ignorant ramblings of a republican.. i am at the point of hating all republicans..
26, give me a minute while i hum it..
27, did have a big ole sears rider back home with 3/4 of an acre to cut on a hill, but in vegas our yards are so small i weep (electric baby now)
28, C all the way
29, A.. but not now, the superbowls on..
30, LMFAO.. funny ...only one possible person to that question and it doesn't have to pertain to only 5 years..we are talking in history of all time here...
31, hmmm the duck for amusement but then again foam slippers... where would i be without my foam slippers ! and where is the internet in this question ?
32, none of the above, p.s. al gore is great, typical republican comment.. ignorance is bliss and global warming is still unproven.. ugh
stairmaster is cruel and unusual punishment but used to use it vigorously and daily.. worst would be too many damn remote controls, 5 of which should be on the coffee table but 2 are missing down in the sofa cushions somewhere.. (or maybe vhs players which cost us all tons of money in equip and videos and are now fucking obsolete ...errrrr)
33, "when i can't sleep at night".. i'm a day sleeper.. always stay up til after 3am.. mostly online stuff.. blog doin' and readin, playing spades at www.zone.msn.com .. shopping online..
34, oh, there is no 34.. jesus fucking thank god !!!
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home